It's a little bit funny...

  So I was reading Kristin's post on how weird it feels for her to think of meeting her daughter, alive. For me, that's how it feels when I think of having this baby, and realizing she might just be ok. That is incomprehensible for me. I literally can't imagine what it would be like to have her, and keep her. For so long I only had "visitation rights" with The Boy, but he was never really mine. He was the hospitals. I don't know what it's like to wake up and just roll over to see your baby, to check if she's still breathing. I've never had that. I can still remember waking up each morning in a complete panic, terrified to pick up the phone and just ask how you were, because I was so very afraid of bad news. I was so in love with this little human, who was barely clinging to life, and for no reason at all. I would sell my soul over and over to take away the pain and uncertainty that was the first two years of your life, to make you whole, normal, pain free, and just let you live life. No medicine, no therapists, no special schools. No things that make you DIFFERENT. I hate that, I hate that something as small as one dumb person's mistake did this to you Boy....it's not fair. I have a feeling this will be my mantra for the rest of my life. That's becuase it's not, not at all.

  Now, I feel so supremely guilty that I am even feeling sorry for myself here. So many of my friends (real, and here, on the computer) have had to go through a REAL loss, not just a temporary one. They didn't get to walk back into the hospital after a doctor worked on their babies for two hours to see you with a beating heart again. But I did. I should feel so extrordinarily lucky. Much more so than I do. I just don't. I feel guilty, horribly, sickeningly guilty, that this happened. I was too afraid to stick up for myself, to go against a doctor. He obviously knew my body better than I did, I mean, he went to school for this. On that count, you had to suffer more than most adults I'll ever meet. In the few short weeks after your birth. You've had countless surgeries, blood draws, needless medical tests, and traumatic hospital and doctor visits that really have scarred you for life. Just because ONE PERSON couldn't be bothered to get off their high horse and admit they may not be all seeing. And all because your Mama didn't know any better.

  I'm so sooo sick and tired of hearing "Well, at least he's fine now". He's not, never will be, never has been. That's just life. He'll always be covered in scars, he'll always be permanently different. He can't play sports, join the military, just be as much of a BOY as he was obviously born to be. His life was changed, completely altered and thrown off track because of this, and it's my fault. I hate that. I hate myself for it. There's just no excuse.

I'm such a slacker

  I was doing SO well with updating this at least every other day, now I've dropped the ball. No excuses, I'm just kind of lazy. My monitor is a big B-I-T-C-H and takes forever to power on when the computer has been turned off, so that's a big deterrent on me even getting on! AND it was my birthday on Friday, and 4th of July weekend, so it was just kind of a busy few days. I had an AWESOME 23rd birthday, and wouldn't have changed it. Totally relaxed, calm, and there was ice cream cake. Granted, I had to buy it myself, but there was cake, damnit. And the weather has been tolerable, so I've been trying to get The Boy out and about as much as possible, because I know I'll revert to sucky, lazy Mom after The Girl is here. I know, it's normal, but I'll still feel guilty as all hell.

  Speaking of guilt, I've been feeling a lot of that lately, and it just keeps getting worse. I feel guilt over taking away my undivided affection for The Boy. For bringing this new strange person home with me who requires so much. For taking the attention he's so used to having. Given his numerous health needs over the course of his 4 years on Earth, he's VERY accustomed to things being done a certain way. That certain way revolves entirely around him, 24/7. Well, kiss that goodbye sucker, because it's not about you any more. That kills me, I hate hate hate hate hate it! It's not fair that in order to get this new little person here I have to take so much from him. Now I don't have spare $ to go out on a whim and do fun things with him. Nor do I have the time/energy/stamina to do much of anything at all. I'm lucky as all get out to feel great at this point in my pregnancy, but I still know that it is affecting how I am functioning. I can't do quite as much as I could before, and I don't like that. I was very much ok with it just being Me and My Boy for the rest of our days....it was comfortable. Now that's all gone out the window. I know I'll adjust and be fine in the end, and when she does show up, it'll be like she was always here. But part of me will always remember these last 4 years, when it was just me and him, and it was fun.


Now for pictures of my weekend:

My best friend, her DH and their August '09 Baby Girl.

The Boy and the friend's older DD

32 weeks and 23 years old!

And then me, being such a sexy bitch at our Rib Burn Off downtown.

The cake I bought myself!

Oh it's a crap tastic day today!

  Not for any real reason, mind you. It's just HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT (really friggin hot) and humid. We had a storm, for 5 minutes. I didn't break the humidity, just made the ground wet. Whoops, sorry Mother Nature, I totally forgot you HATE our corner of Ohio!

  In other, totally unrelated news, I finally got some sleep, and feel like a decent human being again, mostly. Of course, I would like more sleep, about 3 straight days worth, but that's just me! The Boy is going stir crazy being locked up in the house, but it's better than the potential of getting heat stroke and dying by playing out of doors. And no, I'm NOT overly dramatic.

  As promised, here is the story of "the fireworks". So the other night, The Boy goes down for bed at about 9 pm, standard for summer time, as it stays light outside till well past then, and there's no school in the morning. At around 10 I hear a kid outside screaming his head off, so me being pissed that it'll wake The Boy, I storm down there to see WHY all the noise. It's my neighbors, whom I like, so it's ok. I talk for a while, then J decides to go get some fireworks from Sheetz to screw with the boys! Little did we know how they'd react! N LOVED it all, and couldn't get enough poppers and sparklers. The Boy was petrified of the snap poppers, but got used to the sparklers. Little J was just a MESS over the sparklers, and I have a brief video of him screaming in terror. Because what fun is waking your kids up at night to terrorize them if you don't get proof that it happened!




























































































The blonde gal is the neighbor and the man is her fiancee, I hid behind the camera that entire time. Also, my poor car smelled like eggs for 2 days after this. No one was brave enough to get the smoke bomb lodged under it!

Oh TIRED!

  I.AM.SO.EXHAUSTED. Part and parcel of this "condition". But A LOT of work got done in 36 hours. My apartment is CLEAN, organized, and re-arranged, it looks great. Mother did it all, and I'm so thankful she did. It's been exhausting, just for the fact that I don't sleep well when I know she's here. It makes me anxious, I don't like leaving people in my home alone. It makes me feel bad. Oh well.

  I went to Cheesecake Factory last night, and it was wonderful. I want to go back tomorrow, and the day after. I just wish I'd remembered to grab my food from the Friend's fridge. Oh well I'm sure he'll eat it tonight!

  I have pictures to add tomorrow, when I"m NOT so sleepy (hopefully) of our fireworks escapade. It has a pretty funny story that I just don't feel like typing all out right now.

  In the mean time, I'm frustrated with trying to figure out Blogger and their layout system. I don't like their templates, and trying to do my own is NOT easy like Myspace (yeah I know...I know) is. They're a piece of cake, this, not so much. So it'll look janky for a while. Deal with it. <3 Another thing I want is one of those cute little add on siggies ya'll have. JEALOUSY!

Impromptu Dr. visit

  Had to swing by the good ol' doctors office today, because I'm a huge worrier. HUGE. Everything is "good" though. Just a slightly elevated BP and hormonal headache. So I'm relieved, just wish The Boy would have been calmer. He was all over the place and in general stressing me out because the office is TINY. I would pay good money to have a little play area, or even better, child care while I see the midwife. Just 15 minutes alone so I can talk in peace, or even remember what my questions were!!! Ah. Oh well, I have some more pictures.

That SMELL

  I figured out what the GodAwful smell was. Mulch. Cheap, nasty mulch. I've never smelled anything like it in my entire life, and Mother is a religious mulcher! Geeze ow it stinks, still. It's been about 48 hours since they laid it out, and it's going strong.

  In other news they're finally coming to clean my gutters, after 6 phone calls/voicemails complaining about it! Now I can actually open my living room window instead of being terrified it's going to sprinkle rain and POUR into my apartment, thus ruining more carpet. I think I'm going to weasel new carpets out of this whole fiasco. Mine are stained from a horrid bitch ex-roomate (who is now currently shacked up with Rowan's dad. Classy, right?) and one of The Boy's painting excursions. So then maybe, if that works, I get my security deposit back. Evil me. SCREW THE MAN.

  Got a few pictures yesterday, the kids were being funny, and every time I tried to get a pic of The Niece all over The Boy and his game, they'd move!

 That is all for now. Nothing interesting has happened as of late. I'll be sure to tell you if it does though.