Saturday, July 10, 2010

It's a little bit funny...

  So I was reading Kristin's post on how weird it feels for her to think of meeting her daughter, alive. For me, that's how it feels when I think of having this baby, and realizing she might just be ok. That is incomprehensible for me. I literally can't imagine what it would be like to have her, and keep her. For so long I only had "visitation rights" with The Boy, but he was never really mine. He was the hospitals. I don't know what it's like to wake up and just roll over to see your baby, to check if she's still breathing. I've never had that. I can still remember waking up each morning in a complete panic, terrified to pick up the phone and just ask how you were, because I was so very afraid of bad news. I was so in love with this little human, who was barely clinging to life, and for no reason at all. I would sell my soul over and over to take away the pain and uncertainty that was the first two years of your life, to make you whole, normal, pain free, and just let you live life. No medicine, no therapists, no special schools. No things that make you DIFFERENT. I hate that, I hate that something as small as one dumb person's mistake did this to you's not fair. I have a feeling this will be my mantra for the rest of my life. That's becuase it's not, not at all.

  Now, I feel so supremely guilty that I am even feeling sorry for myself here. So many of my friends (real, and here, on the computer) have had to go through a REAL loss, not just a temporary one. They didn't get to walk back into the hospital after a doctor worked on their babies for two hours to see you with a beating heart again. But I did. I should feel so extrordinarily lucky. Much more so than I do. I just don't. I feel guilty, horribly, sickeningly guilty, that this happened. I was too afraid to stick up for myself, to go against a doctor. He obviously knew my body better than I did, I mean, he went to school for this. On that count, you had to suffer more than most adults I'll ever meet. In the few short weeks after your birth. You've had countless surgeries, blood draws, needless medical tests, and traumatic hospital and doctor visits that really have scarred you for life. Just because ONE PERSON couldn't be bothered to get off their high horse and admit they may not be all seeing. And all because your Mama didn't know any better.

  I'm so sooo sick and tired of hearing "Well, at least he's fine now". He's not, never will be, never has been. That's just life. He'll always be covered in scars, he'll always be permanently different. He can't play sports, join the military, just be as much of a BOY as he was obviously born to be. His life was changed, completely altered and thrown off track because of this, and it's my fault. I hate that. I hate myself for it. There's just no excuse.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

I'm such a slacker

  I was doing SO well with updating this at least every other day, now I've dropped the ball. No excuses, I'm just kind of lazy. My monitor is a big B-I-T-C-H and takes forever to power on when the computer has been turned off, so that's a big deterrent on me even getting on! AND it was my birthday on Friday, and 4th of July weekend, so it was just kind of a busy few days. I had an AWESOME 23rd birthday, and wouldn't have changed it. Totally relaxed, calm, and there was ice cream cake. Granted, I had to buy it myself, but there was cake, damnit. And the weather has been tolerable, so I've been trying to get The Boy out and about as much as possible, because I know I'll revert to sucky, lazy Mom after The Girl is here. I know, it's normal, but I'll still feel guilty as all hell.

  Speaking of guilt, I've been feeling a lot of that lately, and it just keeps getting worse. I feel guilt over taking away my undivided affection for The Boy. For bringing this new strange person home with me who requires so much. For taking the attention he's so used to having. Given his numerous health needs over the course of his 4 years on Earth, he's VERY accustomed to things being done a certain way. That certain way revolves entirely around him, 24/7. Well, kiss that goodbye sucker, because it's not about you any more. That kills me, I hate hate hate hate hate it! It's not fair that in order to get this new little person here I have to take so much from him. Now I don't have spare $ to go out on a whim and do fun things with him. Nor do I have the time/energy/stamina to do much of anything at all. I'm lucky as all get out to feel great at this point in my pregnancy, but I still know that it is affecting how I am functioning. I can't do quite as much as I could before, and I don't like that. I was very much ok with it just being Me and My Boy for the rest of our was comfortable. Now that's all gone out the window. I know I'll adjust and be fine in the end, and when she does show up, it'll be like she was always here. But part of me will always remember these last 4 years, when it was just me and him, and it was fun.

Now for pictures of my weekend:

My best friend, her DH and their August '09 Baby Girl.

The Boy and the friend's older DD

32 weeks and 23 years old!

And then me, being such a sexy bitch at our Rib Burn Off downtown.

The cake I bought myself!