Wednesday, August 25, 2010

My Birth Story

Ok first off, sorry it took so long but we've been very busy being TOTALLY AWESOME here. I just haven't felt like screwing with my computer yet, but here it is!

  Well, as some of you know I have been bitching and moaning about NEEDING an induction on account of the SPD pain. I had an appointment Monday morning and was going to beg the OB to induce me that night. Well, on Sunday I ended up taking a small COMA on my couch (which I never do, this was beyond a nap, I was unconscious) after that I cleaned my kitchen. Scrubbed the sink out with Comet which is usually a once a month job for me. Then I scrubbed the cabinet doors, walls, and cleaned out my cupboards. Should have known something was up, but chalked it up to being anxious about my appt.
  Well I went to bed like normal, and at about 11 while watching Hoarders (and being super glad I had cleaned...) I felt like a small little gush of something, but it looked like just discharge so didn't get excited, but couldn't get it out of my mind that it was really my water breaking. At about 1 am I woke up feeling like I was FULL of something, my whole lady bits, it honestly felt like I had to pee, and it was just going to come out like it or not. Stood up and made it to the bathroom, and it was the same thing as before, but more watery. Still didn't think it was my water breaking. 20 minutes later there was no mistaking it. I felt it gush, stood up and it was all down my legs. I sat on the toilet a while, waiting to see if my bladder was just over full, and waiting on the panties to dry out some. They were so soaked they didn't dry, so I sniffed them wet. It didn't smell sweet at all, but just like gross sweat and nasty. So the sweet smell isn't a hard fast rule, by any means. At that point I was still in denial, no way would it be THIS easy!! I got a shower and called the MW, got dressed and makeup on and tried to wake my mom up. She wasn't answering so I just putzed around, repacked my bag and got Gavin up and dressed and in the car. Got to my moms, and she thought I was making it up, or mistaken. I got to the hospital around 3, and admitted at about 4:30 am. I had the most AMAZING nurses to help me, and was just so jittery. I had such a bad experience last time that I was sure it wouldn't go well this time.
  I started Pitocin at 6 am, was only dilated to 1-2 after an hour of steady hard contractions, the MW thought I had a band of scar tissue holding me back. She let me get my epi. then, because I wasn't going to progress until she could "stretch" my cervix out some. I got that, and it hurt like hell but it was WORTH IT. It took a while to take on both sides, but once it did my ctrx went from 4-5 to 10 each time, 1-2 mins apart. Couldn't feel it! I only knew because my mom kept saying "Holy shit, those are big ctrx. Are you sure you can't feel it?!" No mom, no I can't. 
  By 10 am I was relaxing, on FB and talking to my best friend who was there with me. At about 10:20 I started to get really really nauseous and having bad pain right where the HB monitor was on my belly. I paged the nurse, hit the epi. button and waited. I knew it was transition time and started to freak out a little, but I didn't say anything. My mom was outside having a smoke, and I kind of figured just since she was gone it would happen then! As she walked in they were checking me, my mom says "Oh, has she made any progress yet?" Nurse says "Oh yeah! She's ready to go and baby's already coming down!" As she is RUNNING out of the room!!! 
  The midwife comes rushing in pretty fast, pulls the covers back and tries to check me but the baby was down so far she couldn't. She could only get up to a knuckle and a half. Mind you, this is only TWO HOURS after the epi. 8 cm in two hours...I'm a pro! They didn't have time to do anything but pull the tray out, slap on gowns and catch! I really didn't have to push, and when I did it was not hard at all, just a little. I started laughing when she got out to about her ears, and the rest of her just came! Only a small superficial tear with 2 stitches in it and I was DONE!
  After she was born I realized I didn't feel the IMMEDIATE almost borderline psychotic rush of love like I did with my first. I was just confused, becuase this seriously looked like a strangers baby. NOT like me! Plus she was so tiny I just couldn't process it. But I was still so happy that she cried and was vigorous and had good muscle tone. I just knew she was alright, and not like Gavin. Nothing could have touched me right then, I was in heaven. My baby girl was ok. After 39 weeks of constant panic, fear, anxiety, worry and mania, she was PERFECT....healthy. There are no words to describe how grateful I am that she is so wonderful.
  Her big brother loves her insanely, calls her "his baby" and thinks she's too cute. Thank goodness, because I was worried! 4 year olds are not predictable. 

 As of right now, we've been home for 24 hours, as I left after one day there, I hated that place. The staff was nice enough, but I wasn't getting rest or eating because the food was so awful and the nurses were in every 3-60 minutes waking one of us up! No way Jose! She is a really sleepy little girl, who has taken to brestfeeding so wonderfully. She is probably the most laid back little baby you could find. I'm so blessed that she is all mine, and so great. I was so scared to be a single mom to two kids, especially with never having cared for a newborn before, but she's making my job simple! She sleeps all the time, and rarely fusses. When she does, it's not for long! I could go on all day, and probably will another time :)

 In short, after 4 hours of labor, 5 minutes of pushing my perfect little peanut of a baby is here! 
Rowan Grace
 7 lbs
19 1/4 inches

(My last belly pic, at 1 am, after my shower!)

Friday, August 20, 2010


To go on a crochet binge today, and maybe tomorrow. I'm going to lose my mind with waiting for this baby, so I may as well try to master this craft. So far, I can make ONE kind of hat. Ugh. Wish me luck, because I'm going to need it.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


HOLY SHIT I'M GOING TO HAVE TWO KIDS IN APPROX. TEN DAYS. This thought is going to keep me from sleeping at all in those aforementioned ten days. Really. It's freaking me out (a little). I know I can handle it, I'll just do what comes naturally. Do you think that reassurance is making me feel better? HELL NO. Sorry guys....Mother, if you say it one more time I'll knock your block off, you've been tempting fate anywhoo.

 Actually, now that I think about it I have a few things I'd like to say to that broad....

*I appreciate the HELL out of the help you've been giving me the last week. Taking me to the hospital to sob about how much pain I'm in, while I told you NOT to come with me, was nice. I would have liked to expose my shameful baby whining in private. I knew they wouldn't induce me, but it didn't stop me from trying.

*I love the fact that you took your GRANDSON overnight to help me because I'm being shitty mom and can't function. I know...I's not *my fault* but I feel like it is. I'm in pain, and I should be able to handle said pain a lot better, it's only going to get worse. I mean, there IS a baby coming out of my vagina, and it aint gonna be pleasant. Next time you keep him, please keep gimpy puppy and your damn asshole cat out of the bed for the night. Were still trying to get his allergies under control.

*If you tell me "That baby will come when she's ready" one more fucking time I'm going to kill you. In fact, I had a dream last night that I did, and it was awful. Don't make me do it, because it will upset me.

*When I come home from my appt. next week and tell you they're inducing me that night/next morning you better say NOTHING negative. I will be 39 weeks pregnant, I am not fucking rushing her. I am in a lot of pain thanks to her and my FIRST baby is suffering for it. I can no longer cook (like I'm used to) or just get up to do stuff for him without extreme pain. Welcome to motherhood (I know) but if I can get this baby OUTSIDE OF MY BODY I can start to heal NOW instead of in 3 weeks when they induce me for being overdue and not progressing.

*I can't say it enough, DO NOT GIVE ME ANY MORE LIP ABOUT RUSHING HER OUT. This is my body, my life. As I recall you were the one who GUILTED me into keeping this pregnancy (although I'm 90% sure I didn't have the balls to do anything about it anyway, that's not the point.) so you get to deal with the consequences until it's time for the nitty gritty. I will not be one of those young mothers you expected me to be the first time, you know that. I don't slack on my responsibility, you just like to forget how great a job I did with The Boy. Next time you cop an attitude I'll just hand you a newborn and tell you to deal with it. You wanted the damn baby so bad, YOU raise her!

*Allright, so I won't go that far....but STILL. You're making my life hell making me feel like a shit tastic person for needing this to be over with on MY terms if she doesn't get here by Monday. To be completely honest I'll be a lot more relaxed going into this knowing that I am in some form of control. After the last time I deserve it. My poor son suffered for my lack of a voice or opinion so this time, it's on MY terms.

That's all for foots falling asleep and it's probably 3859745 degrees in this apartment and I'm sweating balls. Yes....balls. Plus, I just d/l a movie and it finished converting so I can go lie down and watch it!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

It's not a bad day for any reason.

It just is. Maybe it's just that I'm tired. I don't really feel tired, and was awake with The Boy this morning, even though I refused to get out of bed. I knew it was going to hurt too bad, so I wanted a few more delicious moments of "I feel just fine" before I started my day. I eventually got up about a half an hour later and took The Boy to IHOP. He refers to this eating establishment as IHOCK and it's "got a sad face"

 I guess I just never thought of it that way. Anyway I got some standard diner fare and we proceeded to go to WalMart for no good reason. MISTAKE. Well, not really. I did need Clorox wipes, and found a pair of purple tights for The Girl. None of this really has anything to do with why my day just sucks.

 It sucks, because it just DOES and that's it. It's a mixture of a lot of things. I'm in very early labor, which is more frustrating than anything else. It's too soon to worry about the contractions I AM having, seeing as how they never get to less than 15 minutes apart. I'm in HORRENDOUS pain, to the point of not being able to walk. I haven't felt like this since I hurt my back in my car accident. I'm anxious to have this done. I like being pregnant, but I can't handle this stupid stupid pain. I'm used to feeling like total crap every day, that's normal for me. I guess that's why pregnancy really doesn't phase me. Aches and pains are normal, and to be expected each day when I wake up. Bones that feel like they're filled with fire, muscles that feel like I ran a damn marathon, a sleep deprivation hangover, and the ardent wish for SLEEP. Real honest to goodness sleep. I only ever really nap, and real sleep only happens after a week or two of total exhaustion. This exhaustion can be caused from just laying on the couch or sitting here screwing around on Facebook. My body sucks, but I'm used to it, and I really really want to be that person that never complains.

 I want to be that woman who never admits to hurting, or being too damn tired to see straight. When I try to tell someone they just assume I'm being dramatic, and I probably am. Life sucks, and that will continue until I'm ashes in a little box in someone's curio cabinet.

 I want more energy, and patience. I want to be a good mom to these kids, and they sure as hell deserve someone better than me. There is no doubt of how I care for them, and feel for them. I just can't DO anything. I hate it. I'm just a lazy damn parent. I do the neccesary, and not much else. As I sit here wallowing in self pity, my kitchen is trashed, smells bad, and my house is destroyed from the baby shower aftermath. I can't do anything about it. I haven't even gotten up to go lie on the couch because I'm afraid to. There's nothing to hold on to on my way there. At least to the bathroom from bed there's always a wall.

 I'm just done feeling this way. I'm one of those people who would just rather have it out with all the bad stuff right away, so I can start dealing and getting past it. It's easier not to dwell. I think that's why I'm so anxious to just have this baby already. I want to just start dealing with how hard life is going to be. There is no "enjoying my last days with my only child" because I'm in a constant state of panic over what's coming. I'm in no way shape or form ready for another baby, another human, another person. It's hitting me today just how alone I am. Everyone has someone, and I have nothing. As much as my friends wish to help, and want to be there, they can't fill that position. I'm ALONE. Everyone else is happy and moving on, starting new relationships, married and happy, content with their partner, or on the prowl for a new one. I'm stuck. I'm alone, with two kids. That's not baggage. That's LUGGAGE.