I know I know (Giveaway)

I know I've been super duper lax about posting, but I've been INSANE busy here. I've started getting enough orders to keep me busy every night, and then some! I'm turning out tutus like hot cakes and now making hats and other photography props for babes and kids! I'm so excited to be doing something I really enjoy. I'm also in school too, so that's eating up a considerable chunk of time.

 Now, for YOUR assignment tonight, I want you to check out this giveaway (Oh, and both lovely places involved as well). I have been a big big fan of Banner Boutique for quite a while now, and Chrissie Marie Photography has some amazing photos, although we know I"m a total sucker for cutesey newborn pics! So check out this link, and support some of these hard working women!

http://www.chrissiemariephotography.com/blog/minneapolis-childrens-photographer/chrissie-marie-photography-banner-boutique-giveaway/

No news is good news?

 I guess that's how I'm operating these days. I've been so overwhelmed it's absurd, and I feel like it's never going to get better. I can't find time to do anything around here, at all. I'm never home, because if were not going to some appointment, I'm trying to stay away from this apartment. It's so out of control here, just messy. I can keep up with the bare minimum, which is keeping it sanitary and not dangerous, but apart from that...it's a wreck.

 I make tutus now. That enterprise has completely taken over my poor living room. There are tutus everywhere, and the various things needed to make them! I have to get the finished ones out of here, but I want to get 2 more made so I can take 5 to sell. Then I have 2 custom ones that need made, I'm going to do that tonight.

 In Girl news, she apparently does NOT have reflux and is just colicky. I call shenanigans, this doctor is an asshat. When she was in the hospital for 5 whole days, the doctors didn't think she was colicky. He told me to take her off of all of her meds and try nursing her more. NO thanks, I"m going to do what is right for my child, and not what you think I should after looking at her for all of 5 minutes and not listening to a word I say. I've decided that if her reflux isn't drastically improved by 3 months (which is when most kids typically see a big improvement) I'm taking her to a different Ped. GI specialist. More than anything I just wish she'd wake up and be over it. She could go back to nursing, instead of having thickened bottles...no more crying, no more pain. Just my happy baby back!

 I think the pumping constantly is the reason I'm so overwhelmed. It feels like all I'm doing any more is pumping, making a bottle, feeding, propping her up and starting all over again. I have zero time for anything else, and it shows. My Boy is still in "I hate you for abandoning me" mode....my house is trashed, I'm depressed about not being able to do everything, and I'm still wondering how in the HELL everyone else gets it done! There's not  enough of me to go around!

 Ok, enough of that, some pictures!


 

The Catalyst

 My Baby Girl is my personal catalyst. She's my life changer. With The Boy, and his various needs, it was so easy to slip back into what I was doing before. NOTHING. Now, now it's time for a change, I'm finally motivated. I'm going to get my gym membership tomorrow or Saturday morning, haven't decided. I'm looking into schools as we speak, and I have a end date in sight for registering. I can't put The Girl in day care because of her med schedule and the apnea monitor, so it's online schooling for my Gen-Ed courses, then a transfer to a phsyical university afterwards. I'm scared. It's something that needs done though. I want to set a good example for these kids. I quit smoking, so that they wouldn't grow up seeing that and assuming it's just ok. It's not, it's disgusting, and I"m glad to be done with it, even though I do miss it. I suppose I will forever, but that's alright. I know I've made it this long, so why waste that time and effort?

 The Girl has been doing better this last week. I decided to take her OFF the one med to see how she reacted, because it doesn't seem to do much. Well, I was right, she doesn't need it, as far as I can tell. But this amazing thing happened when I decided to d/c it. SHE WOKE UP. It was awesome. For the first time in 5 weeks she is alert, responsive, eyes open, happy content little baby. Don't get me wrong, a tired baby is pretty easy to deal with, but I wanted to see her personality, who she is. Now, I'm seeing it. It demands constant entertainment when she's awake!!! But I don't mind. I have a Fauxby wrap that I made the other night, and we just do everything together. Fine by me. She's starting to interact with her surroundings, batting at things, and being AMAZED when they make noise or do something. She's trying to talk to me, and trying to smile. I got one little squeaker of a smile yesterday. No, scratch that. The MIRROR did! Rotten child.

Oh dear, it's been too long.

So it has been quite a while, and to the very few people who read this, you know why. It's been an incredibly busy few weeks.

 I'll start at the beginning, day of poor Baby Girl's life. Since she was born, she's had a "puking" issue, but they nurses just chalked it up to being born so fat, she must have a lot of fluid in her still. She was throwing up almost every feed, and was always hungry. Knowing what I do about newborns I knew I didn't have to give her formula, so I just kept nursing, as it was going to do nothing but tell my brain to get on the ball about milk production. She was an incredibly sleepy baby, and looking back I know why, because she was so damn hungry all the time, she just had no energy to wake up and tell me! I am still feeling horribly guilty about not setting a schedule, and letting her go 3 or so hours without a feed, she really did need more than that but I selfishly used that time to sleep, and sleep some more.

 Back on topic....the throwing up continues, and I tell her pediatrician (Dr. Cute Ass) about it, and knowing me for the last 5 years (he's my Dr. as well) he trusted my instinct and gave us an Rx for reflux meds, albeit very weak ones. He told me to fill it and put it away in the case of an emergency. I hadn't slept *real sleep* since that day she was born, because as soon as I sat her down she would toss her figurative cookies. I was too afraid to sleep, so she ended up in bed with me, on a Boppy, with me staring at her. I was scared to feed her! She would choke and turn blue, randomly, but mostly during a feed. I was NOT ok with this.

 I took her back to the doctor, he ordered an X-Ray to make sure that she wasn't aspirating, and an Upper GI study. The X-ray was good, the Upper GI took forever to get scheduled. The Monday before she was due for her study, she had her worst choking/gagging/turning blue episode yet. It lasted almost 15 seconds from start to finish and took a lot from me to get her "back" to breathing. I made up my mind that tonight we'd just head to ER and see what they have to say. I waited for The Boy's nurse to get there so I didn't have both kids, and I could focus on just her, and getting my point across. Luckily when she had these episodes they don't happen again for while. It wasn't like I was putting her down any way.

 I walked into Children's expecting to hear "It's reflux, all babies go through this, you just need to wait it out." To my GREAT surprise they took me very seriously and had her admitted within 3 hours, which is pretty fast for our hossy! So then we started on the process of elimination. We had an excellent Pediatric GI on service who took care of her pretty well, and also agreed 100% on what was going on. All said and done, she stayed 5 days. She "failed" the GI study miserably, the minute the barium hit her stomach it just came right back up and she kept swallowing it. Her swallow study went great, and her swallow/suck/breathe pattern is perfect, not aspirating during a feed. That was good news.

 When it was all said and done she was not allowed to nurse, I had to pump and thicken the bottles, which I'm not a fan of, but I'll be damned if she gets formula. That seemed to help after a few days, and she's at least not as fussy after a bottle as she is after she's eaten straight breast milk. She also was put on a new med to help empty her stomach faster, in combination with MORE reflux medicine. I'm not 100% happy with the Zantac and believe she needs to be on a PPI as opposed to the equivelent of Tums! But oh well, I'll talk to the Ped. GI specialist we'll be seeing soon.

 As of one week post hospital she's slowly being weaned back on to breastfeeding. She's gotten lazy with her latch since going to nothing but bottles. She doesn't want to open  her mouth all the way, so we're working on it. She really does want me for comfort, which we've been doing since she was admitted. I just pump, and she nurses after, so she's not getting much milk at all. This has kept both of us sane. I was really depressed about not being able to just nurse her initially, but now that were getting back to it, and I have figured out a routine, it's ok. It's so much harder this way, but at least she's a little more comfortable.

 Another thing we learned while in the hospital was that she has obstructive apnea episodes, which are scary. The reflux is so severe it's actually blocking her airway, which causes the muscles to spasm and keep her airway shut, causing her to go small periods with no airway. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does it's Defcon 5 panic time for me. Normally just blowing in her face really hard and quickly works to get her brain to "hard reset" and allow her to breathe again. Once in a while she'll just forget how to breathe, which is harder to get her to come out of. Even with the monitor screaming, me thumping her and moving her around doesn't work, and she just has to come out of it on her own, apparently.

 As of today, she is getting her meds 6 times a day, and eating MOSTLY bottles with thickened Mom Milk in them. She's on an apnea monitor around the clock, which keeps me sane. I know now that if something happens (which it would anyway) I'll know about it right away, and I can fix it! I'm sleeping now, she's in her own bed, and were a bit happier!

My Birth Story

Ok first off, sorry it took so long but we've been very busy being TOTALLY AWESOME here. I just haven't felt like screwing with my computer yet, but here it is!

  Well, as some of you know I have been bitching and moaning about NEEDING an induction on account of the SPD pain. I had an appointment Monday morning and was going to beg the OB to induce me that night. Well, on Sunday I ended up taking a small COMA on my couch (which I never do, this was beyond a nap, I was unconscious) after that I cleaned my kitchen. Scrubbed the sink out with Comet which is usually a once a month job for me. Then I scrubbed the cabinet doors, walls, and cleaned out my cupboards. Should have known something was up, but chalked it up to being anxious about my appt.

  Well I went to bed like normal, and at about 11 while watching Hoarders (and being super glad I had cleaned...) I felt like a small little gush of something, but it looked like just discharge so didn't get excited, but couldn't get it out of my mind that it was really my water breaking. At about 1 am I woke up feeling like I was FULL of something, my whole lady bits, it honestly felt like I had to pee, and it was just going to come out like it or not. Stood up and made it to the bathroom, and it was the same thing as before, but more watery. Still didn't think it was my water breaking. 20 minutes later there was no mistaking it. I felt it gush, stood up and it was all down my legs. I sat on the toilet a while, waiting to see if my bladder was just over full, and waiting on the panties to dry out some. They were so soaked they didn't dry, so I sniffed them wet. It didn't smell sweet at all, but just like gross sweat and nasty. So the sweet smell isn't a hard fast rule, by any means. At that point I was still in denial, no way would it be THIS easy!! I got a shower and called the MW, got dressed and makeup on and tried to wake my mom up. She wasn't answering so I just putzed around, repacked my bag and got Gavin up and dressed and in the car. Got to my moms, and she thought I was making it up, or mistaken. I got to the hospital around 3, and admitted at about 4:30 am. I had the most AMAZING nurses to help me, and was just so jittery. I had such a bad experience last time that I was sure it wouldn't go well this time.

  I started Pitocin at 6 am, was only dilated to 1-2 after an hour of steady hard contractions, the MW thought I had a band of scar tissue holding me back. She let me get my epi. then, because I wasn't going to progress until she could "stretch" my cervix out some. I got that, and it hurt like hell but it was WORTH IT. It took a while to take on both sides, but once it did my ctrx went from 4-5 to 10 each time, 1-2 mins apart. Couldn't feel it! I only knew because my mom kept saying "Holy shit, those are big ctrx. Are you sure you can't feel it?!" No mom, no I can't. 

  By 10 am I was relaxing, on FB and talking to my best friend who was there with me. At about 10:20 I started to get really really nauseous and having bad pain right where the HB monitor was on my belly. I paged the nurse, hit the epi. button and waited. I knew it was transition time and started to freak out a little, but I didn't say anything. My mom was outside having a smoke, and I kind of figured just since she was gone it would happen then! As she walked in they were checking me, my mom says "Oh, has she made any progress yet?" Nurse says "Oh yeah! She's ready to go and baby's already coming down!" As she is RUNNING out of the room!!! 

  The midwife comes rushing in pretty fast, pulls the covers back and tries to check me but the baby was down so far she couldn't. She could only get up to a knuckle and a half. Mind you, this is only TWO HOURS after the epi. 8 cm in two hours...I'm a pro! They didn't have time to do anything but pull the tray out, slap on gowns and catch! I really didn't have to push, and when I did it was not hard at all, just a little. I started laughing when she got out to about her ears, and the rest of her just came! Only a small superficial tear with 2 stitches in it and I was DONE!

  After she was born I realized I didn't feel the IMMEDIATE almost borderline psychotic rush of love like I did with my first. I was just confused, becuase this seriously looked like a strangers baby. NOT like me! Plus she was so tiny I just couldn't process it. But I was still so happy that she cried and was vigorous and had good muscle tone. I just knew she was alright, and not like Gavin. Nothing could have touched me right then, I was in heaven. My baby girl was ok. After 39 weeks of constant panic, fear, anxiety, worry and mania, she was PERFECT....healthy. There are no words to describe how grateful I am that she is so wonderful.

  Her big brother loves her insanely, calls her "his baby" and thinks she's too cute. Thank goodness, because I was worried! 4 year olds are not predictable. 

 As of right now, we've been home for 24 hours, as I left after one day there, I hated that place. The staff was nice enough, but I wasn't getting rest or eating because the food was so awful and the nurses were in every 3-60 minutes waking one of us up! No way Jose! She is a really sleepy little girl, who has taken to brestfeeding so wonderfully. She is probably the most laid back little baby you could find. I'm so blessed that she is all mine, and so great. I was so scared to be a single mom to two kids, especially with never having cared for a newborn before, but she's making my job simple! She sleeps all the time, and rarely fusses. When she does, it's not for long! I could go on all day, and probably will another time :)

 In short, after 4 hours of labor, 5 minutes of pushing my perfect little peanut of a baby is here! 

Rowan Grace

 7 lbs

19 1/4 inches

 OK TO THE PART YOU ALL SCROLLED RIGHT DOWN TO SEE FIRST 

(My last belly pic, at 1 am, after my shower!)

I am DETERMINED

To go on a crochet binge today, and maybe tomorrow. I'm going to lose my mind with waiting for this baby, so I may as well try to master this craft. So far, I can make ONE kind of hat. Ugh. Wish me luck, because I'm going to need it.

Another...

HOLY SHIT I'M GOING TO HAVE TWO KIDS IN APPROX. TEN DAYS. This thought is going to keep me from sleeping at all in those aforementioned ten days. Really. It's freaking me out (a little). I know I can handle it, I'll just do what comes naturally. Do you think that reassurance is making me feel better? HELL NO. Sorry guys....Mother, if you say it one more time I'll knock your block off, you've been tempting fate anywhoo.

 Actually, now that I think about it I have a few things I'd like to say to that broad....

*I appreciate the HELL out of the help you've been giving me the last week. Taking me to the hospital to sob about how much pain I'm in, while I told you NOT to come with me, was nice. I would have liked to expose my shameful baby whining in private. I knew they wouldn't induce me, but it didn't stop me from trying.

*I love the fact that you took your GRANDSON overnight to help me because I'm being shitty mom and can't function. I know...I know....it's not *my fault* but I feel like it is. I'm in pain, and I should be able to handle said pain a lot better, it's only going to get worse. I mean, there IS a baby coming out of my vagina, and it aint gonna be pleasant. Next time you keep him, please keep gimpy puppy and your damn asshole cat out of the bed for the night. Were still trying to get his allergies under control.

*If you tell me "That baby will come when she's ready" one more fucking time I'm going to kill you. In fact, I had a dream last night that I did, and it was awful. Don't make me do it, because it will upset me.

*When I come home from my appt. next week and tell you they're inducing me that night/next morning you better say NOTHING negative. I will be 39 weeks pregnant, I am not fucking rushing her. I am in a lot of pain thanks to her and my FIRST baby is suffering for it. I can no longer cook (like I'm used to) or just get up to do stuff for him without extreme pain. Welcome to motherhood (I know) but if I can get this baby OUTSIDE OF MY BODY I can start to heal NOW instead of in 3 weeks when they induce me for being overdue and not progressing.

*I can't say it enough, DO NOT GIVE ME ANY MORE LIP ABOUT RUSHING HER OUT. This is my body, my life. As I recall you were the one who GUILTED me into keeping this pregnancy (although I'm 90% sure I didn't have the balls to do anything about it anyway, that's not the point.) so you get to deal with the consequences until it's time for the nitty gritty. I will not be one of those young mothers you expected me to be the first time, you know that. I don't slack on my responsibility, you just like to forget how great a job I did with The Boy. Next time you cop an attitude I'll just hand you a newborn and tell you to deal with it. You wanted the damn baby so bad, YOU raise her!

*Allright, so I won't go that far....but STILL. You're making my life hell making me feel like a shit tastic person for needing this to be over with on MY terms if she doesn't get here by Monday. To be completely honest I'll be a lot more relaxed going into this knowing that I am in some form of control. After the last time I deserve it. My poor son suffered for my lack of a voice or opinion so this time, it's on MY terms.

That's all for now....my foots falling asleep and it's probably 3859745 degrees in this apartment and I'm sweating balls. Yes....balls. Plus, I just d/l a movie and it finished converting so I can go lie down and watch it!

It's not a bad day for any reason.

It just is. Maybe it's just that I'm tired. I don't really feel tired, and was awake with The Boy this morning, even though I refused to get out of bed. I knew it was going to hurt too bad, so I wanted a few more delicious moments of "I feel just fine" before I started my day. I eventually got up about a half an hour later and took The Boy to IHOP. He refers to this eating establishment as IHOCK and it's "got a sad face"


 I guess I just never thought of it that way. Anyway I got some standard diner fare and we proceeded to go to WalMart for no good reason. MISTAKE. Well, not really. I did need Clorox wipes, and found a pair of purple tights for The Girl. None of this really has anything to do with why my day just sucks.

 It sucks, because it just DOES and that's it. It's a mixture of a lot of things. I'm in very early labor, which is more frustrating than anything else. It's too soon to worry about the contractions I AM having, seeing as how they never get to less than 15 minutes apart. I'm in HORRENDOUS pain, to the point of not being able to walk. I haven't felt like this since I hurt my back in my car accident. I'm anxious to have this done. I like being pregnant, but I can't handle this stupid stupid pain. I'm used to feeling like total crap every day, that's normal for me. I guess that's why pregnancy really doesn't phase me. Aches and pains are normal, and to be expected each day when I wake up. Bones that feel like they're filled with fire, muscles that feel like I ran a damn marathon, a sleep deprivation hangover, and the ardent wish for SLEEP. Real honest to goodness sleep. I only ever really nap, and real sleep only happens after a week or two of total exhaustion. This exhaustion can be caused from just laying on the couch or sitting here screwing around on Facebook. My body sucks, but I'm used to it, and I really really want to be that person that never complains.

 I want to be that woman who never admits to hurting, or being too damn tired to see straight. When I try to tell someone they just assume I'm being dramatic, and I probably am. Life sucks, and that will continue until I'm ashes in a little box in someone's curio cabinet.

 I want more energy, and patience. I want to be a good mom to these kids, and they sure as hell deserve someone better than me. There is no doubt of how I care for them, and feel for them. I just can't DO anything. I hate it. I'm just a lazy damn parent. I do the neccesary, and not much else. As I sit here wallowing in self pity, my kitchen is trashed, smells bad, and my house is destroyed from the baby shower aftermath. I can't do anything about it. I haven't even gotten up to go lie on the couch because I'm afraid to. There's nothing to hold on to on my way there. At least to the bathroom from bed there's always a wall.

 I'm just done feeling this way. I'm one of those people who would just rather have it out with all the bad stuff right away, so I can start dealing and getting past it. It's easier not to dwell. I think that's why I'm so anxious to just have this baby already. I want to just start dealing with how hard life is going to be. There is no "enjoying my last days with my only child" because I'm in a constant state of panic over what's coming. I'm in no way shape or form ready for another baby, another human, another person. It's hitting me today just how alone I am. Everyone has someone, and I have nothing. As much as my friends wish to help, and want to be there, they can't fill that position. I'm ALONE. Everyone else is happy and moving on, starting new relationships, married and happy, content with their partner, or on the prowl for a new one. I'm stuck. I'm alone, with two kids. That's not baggage. That's LUGGAGE.

It's a little bit funny...

  So I was reading Kristin's post on how weird it feels for her to think of meeting her daughter, alive. For me, that's how it feels when I think of having this baby, and realizing she might just be ok. That is incomprehensible for me. I literally can't imagine what it would be like to have her, and keep her. For so long I only had "visitation rights" with The Boy, but he was never really mine. He was the hospitals. I don't know what it's like to wake up and just roll over to see your baby, to check if she's still breathing. I've never had that. I can still remember waking up each morning in a complete panic, terrified to pick up the phone and just ask how you were, because I was so very afraid of bad news. I was so in love with this little human, who was barely clinging to life, and for no reason at all. I would sell my soul over and over to take away the pain and uncertainty that was the first two years of your life, to make you whole, normal, pain free, and just let you live life. No medicine, no therapists, no special schools. No things that make you DIFFERENT. I hate that, I hate that something as small as one dumb person's mistake did this to you Boy....it's not fair. I have a feeling this will be my mantra for the rest of my life. That's becuase it's not, not at all.

  Now, I feel so supremely guilty that I am even feeling sorry for myself here. So many of my friends (real, and here, on the computer) have had to go through a REAL loss, not just a temporary one. They didn't get to walk back into the hospital after a doctor worked on their babies for two hours to see you with a beating heart again. But I did. I should feel so extrordinarily lucky. Much more so than I do. I just don't. I feel guilty, horribly, sickeningly guilty, that this happened. I was too afraid to stick up for myself, to go against a doctor. He obviously knew my body better than I did, I mean, he went to school for this. On that count, you had to suffer more than most adults I'll ever meet. In the few short weeks after your birth. You've had countless surgeries, blood draws, needless medical tests, and traumatic hospital and doctor visits that really have scarred you for life. Just because ONE PERSON couldn't be bothered to get off their high horse and admit they may not be all seeing. And all because your Mama didn't know any better.

  I'm so sooo sick and tired of hearing "Well, at least he's fine now". He's not, never will be, never has been. That's just life. He'll always be covered in scars, he'll always be permanently different. He can't play sports, join the military, just be as much of a BOY as he was obviously born to be. His life was changed, completely altered and thrown off track because of this, and it's my fault. I hate that. I hate myself for it. There's just no excuse.

I'm such a slacker

  I was doing SO well with updating this at least every other day, now I've dropped the ball. No excuses, I'm just kind of lazy. My monitor is a big B-I-T-C-H and takes forever to power on when the computer has been turned off, so that's a big deterrent on me even getting on! AND it was my birthday on Friday, and 4th of July weekend, so it was just kind of a busy few days. I had an AWESOME 23rd birthday, and wouldn't have changed it. Totally relaxed, calm, and there was ice cream cake. Granted, I had to buy it myself, but there was cake, damnit. And the weather has been tolerable, so I've been trying to get The Boy out and about as much as possible, because I know I'll revert to sucky, lazy Mom after The Girl is here. I know, it's normal, but I'll still feel guilty as all hell.

  Speaking of guilt, I've been feeling a lot of that lately, and it just keeps getting worse. I feel guilt over taking away my undivided affection for The Boy. For bringing this new strange person home with me who requires so much. For taking the attention he's so used to having. Given his numerous health needs over the course of his 4 years on Earth, he's VERY accustomed to things being done a certain way. That certain way revolves entirely around him, 24/7. Well, kiss that goodbye sucker, because it's not about you any more. That kills me, I hate hate hate hate hate it! It's not fair that in order to get this new little person here I have to take so much from him. Now I don't have spare $ to go out on a whim and do fun things with him. Nor do I have the time/energy/stamina to do much of anything at all. I'm lucky as all get out to feel great at this point in my pregnancy, but I still know that it is affecting how I am functioning. I can't do quite as much as I could before, and I don't like that. I was very much ok with it just being Me and My Boy for the rest of our days....it was comfortable. Now that's all gone out the window. I know I'll adjust and be fine in the end, and when she does show up, it'll be like she was always here. But part of me will always remember these last 4 years, when it was just me and him, and it was fun.


Now for pictures of my weekend:

My best friend, her DH and their August '09 Baby Girl.

The Boy and the friend's older DD

32 weeks and 23 years old!

And then me, being such a sexy bitch at our Rib Burn Off downtown.

The cake I bought myself!