Saturday, June 12, 2010

So for spilling my guts

 This is what this is for. My original intentions being to make a place where I can secretly go to rant and rave and not worry about people reading it. That won't happen. I suck at secrets. SUCK.AT.THEM. But this is my place to go and say everything I think. I don't need reassurance or condolences or pity, or ANYTHING. I need a place to be. I'm stuck inside of my head all the time, and it never ends well. I have no one I can really talk to about it. I'm fine with that, I'm not really a "sharer" anywhoo. I don't feel right boo-hooing to someone about all of my awful problems. There are so many people out there who would kill to be in my position, or some semblance of it. There are tons of people out there who are so much worse off than I am, and all I do is complain. The truth of the matter is that those facts do not help me when I feel helpless. I feel swamped, and there's nothing I can do about it. It's my fault I'm in this position, and no one else's.

 I am NOT ready for this baby. I never will be. I thought about it a bit in the car on a trip to the library, and I think I mostly just resent the change. I don't like having to share my home with another person. I don't like having to share my bedroom with her! Her bed is huge and takes up so much room, I feel like I just gave up my only sanctuary. It's completely selfish and unreasonable, but it doesn't mean I don't feel it. Now The Boy has to share me, which I can't stand. It's been just him and me for so long now, that to change it feels rude and uncalled for. Even when I would date and have a steady boyfriend, they didn't come between us, I always had plenty of one on one time with him. That's about to all go out the window. I have this feeling he's going to do horribly with this adjustment. He's 100% a Mama's Boy and really probably won't like The Girl at all. But that's life. It changes. I hate change.

 I took The Boy to the library today, and he cavorted about the place as if it were a magical wonderland. For a 4 year old with an over active imagination I bet it is. Too bad it was so close to closing time, because we'd have stayed a while. It's friggin hot here. My a/c really helps with the humidity and makes it bearable in here, but only in the living room. Poor kid, were all crammed on top of each other here. Back to the library, and what I found so funny. We made a beeline for the movies, as The Boy has no patience to spare for story time, and won't sit still for a book. What movie does he pick out? How The Grinch Stole Christmas. He just LOVES Christmas, because, "It's just like my birthday Mama." I love this Boy. He's pretty amazing.

"I'll say cheese real big Mama"

"I need to hold them with my neck"

The tray of red raspberry Rice Crispie Treats I made today, they're delicious thank you for asking. I ate them all.

1 comment:

  1. YAY I'm your first follower! :D found you through your comment on my blog. Thank you by the way. You're right it is MY place to come and talk about how I feel so if people get tired of reading all about my sadness then they don't have to :)

    As for you, congrats on pregnancy #2...I think a congrats is in order? but by this post I'm not sure if that's what you're looking for right now. I know what you mean about not wanting to share your space. When I first got pregnant I was happy but I was also feeling like damn there goes my freedom and I'm only 20 (well 19 when I found out I was pregnant). Eventually I got used to the idea and was SO excited for my baby to get here. I think you'll love sharing your life with baby girl as much as you love sharing it with your son. I can't imagine what it would be like to have 2 kids (since I don't even have 1 living one yet) but it seems like you have a very strong head on your shoulders so I think you'll be OK. :) Although I can imagine there will be some times that you might feel like WHAT have I gotten myself into, I know everything will fall into place eventually.

    Hope the rest of your pregnancy is happy and healthy.

    Take Care